A lot has changed since my last blog from a few months ago. 

My dear sweet Grandma passed away about a month ago after a 5 year battle with cancer. 

My sweet cousin Lauren announced that she is 5 months pregnant.

And last weekend, I found out that I'm 5 weeks pregnant.

Its a lot to take in. My Grandma was my rock. The one person who would never judge me, or lecture me. She would just kiss me on the cheek and say "Everything will be ok Sis." I have been taking her to all of her doctors appointments for the last 5 years. I've seen the good days, and the bad. After having emergency surgery one Saturday night, I saw many more good days and bad. She woke up the first day with a tube down her throat, and made it clear her frustration with not being able to communicate with us. The next, I witnessed her elation at having the tube taken out, being able to me and to eat. I saw her moved out of ICU, with the hope of being sent home in a couple of days. And then I watched as she continually got worse. And 12 days spent in the hospital, by her side the whole time, ended with the torture of being able to do nothing but watch her die. 

In my family, girls are few and far between. But we are also the ones that everyone looks to, to be strong, to get things done. My mom, Aunt, 2 cousins and I were at the hospital 24 hours a day, the whole time that Grandma was there. After she passed, the responsibility of getting everything planned and put together, fell to us again. Not until afterward did we have time to start grieving. 

Then, after a couple of weeks, my cousin Lauren, who had since gone back to Texas, called me to tell me that she was expecting. Now, it wasn't exactly a shock. I had noticed a couple of things that, from what I understand, are telling of a pregnant woman. For example, an uncanny sense of smell. I started to get excited for her. She has said several times that she really wants a baby. And on a selfish note, that means that she will be here in Ohio with me much more often. Immediately, I had a purpose again. Something to focus on, and plan for, and help with. 

And finally, last Sunday, after waiting 4 days for my period that never came, I broke down and asked my cousin Missy to go with me to the store. I couldn't even wait to get home to take the test, I went immediately to the restroom after my purchase. And without much delay at all, the words "Pregnant" popped up on the screen. 

This wasn't part of the plan, to say the least. My boyfriend, who is 19 years my senior, has three kids. He has said multiple times that he doesn't want another child, and I have never really wanted children myself. I've always been content being the cool aunt/step mom figure. And now my whole life is going to change. I wish I could say I'm excited but I'm really not to that point yet. Scared, is the emotion I feel most often. And most of all, I find myself wanting nothing more than to go see my Grandma, just to hear her say "Everything is going to be ok, Sis." 

So, I guess my new posts will be about my journey as a first time pregnant lady/mom. My frustrations, my fears and my joys.

Its been a long time. I have had serious writers block. But I am determined to break myself out of it. I don't care if every post this year isn't worth reading, I'm going to write it anyway.

Lately I have had the radio in my car set to our local country station. I like all genres of music, but I have really been stuck on this station. 

There is a song that has been playing lately that really just hits me deep when I hear it. 

It Blake Shelton's "God Gave Me You"

Here are the Lyrics:

I've been a walking heartache

I've made a mess of me

The person that I've been lately

Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me

Watch as the storm goes through

And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

For when I think I've lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

There's more here than what were seeing

A divine conspiracy

That you, an angel lovely

Could somehow fall for me

You'll always be love's great martyr

Ill be the flattered fool

And I need you 

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

For when I think I've lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

On my own I'm only

Half of what I could be

I can't do without you

We are stitched together

And what love has tethered

I pray we never undo

[God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

For when I think I've lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you, gave me you Gave me you

Ok, I'm aware that this is supposed to be a love song... But putting that aside, this song makes me think of a different person every time I hear it. All of the people in my life that I feel truly blessed to have. And though they'll never read this, I wanted to put into words exactly what they mean to me. So, I'm going to write them letters, and post them. I figure a solid goal is to write 1 a week, and I'll write the first one following this post.  And hopefully some other sparks of creativity come my way in between. =]

I spent my Saturday Night at my old High School

Something I should do more often.

I miss the people there SO much.

It made me happy.

Just wanted to write it down